Alone is a place where terminal desires wither and die a slow and inevitable death, making room for the buds of innocent new dreams to unfurl and come to complete and necessary fruition.
It might sound counterintuitive, but Alone is maybe the only place where we can fully relinquish the want to be with someone else and finally discover what it's like to actually want to be ourselves.
It goes without saying that to be yourself is infinitely more satisfying than to pretend to be someone else. And, furthermore, to love yourself is far more essential and sustaining than to be loved by someone else. Loneliness is the soil in which these thorny but beautiful truths take root and flourish. If you let them.
In the midst of loneliness, oftentimes I've fancied myself a student of pain. But I've come to realize that what I really am is a student of myself (and of the Holy Spirit within me). That said, here is what I've learned so far:
I am me.
I am not ashamed.
I am redeemed.
Never again will I allow someone to take that away from me. Or better yet, never again will I give that away.
I cannot ignore the obvious signs that these days are sacred ones in this little life of mine. Blessings are showing up here and there, and for the first time in my life---they have nothing to do with someone else. This is between God and me. This is eternal. This is my own.
I see joy all around, and I receive it. I pick it up and protect it. I take its holiness in my arms and tuck it away all safe and cozy-like in my bed. And I treasure up all these things and ponder them in my heart. Expectantly.
Someday I will have someone to share all of this with. Someone who will be able to receive it, honor it, protect it, love it.
But until then, it's just for me to enjoy . . .
to smile quietly to myself. To know for certain. To roll over and nestle deeper under the covers. To love the Lord. To grow. To be myself. To wake up in the morning, warm and rested, with soft prayers of gratitude the first thing on my mind and my lips.
